After a doctor’s appointment and having my IV Pick Line taken out of my arm my friend Celeste dropped me off at PROS. I was looking forward to sharing the news that I no longer needed IV antibiotics and that I could look forward to getting a new defibrillator implant. I put on a big smile and headed to the front desk to sign in. I wanted to greet whoever was on the other side of the window to start my time at PROS on a positive step. Looking over the counter into the front office I saw a group of staff members and I raised my hand to wave but they were sitting in a semi-circle all with their backs to the glass. I rolled my eyes and retracted my half wave and signed in.
I turned and began to roll my wheelchair toward the café. From my chair that hallway looks so long with its institution green walls and splattered corkboards of discarded information. I looked to my left at all the closed office doors and I laughed to myself. Behind each one I pictured a clinician busy documenting each patient they saw that morning. These closed doors say so much with their silence. I am closed because billing you for services is more important than providing them. I am closed because you lack the social skills to know that I have things to do and cannot spend time talking with you
Along the wall are empty wall sockets with internet connections waiting to be used. I was told that PROS would have computers that would allow me to show others how much information and enjoyment was out there. I am holding on to that day with as much patience as I can muster. That will be a great day. Next to them is the only open door, the staff lounge.
After seventeen years of working for Ellis Hospital I was no longer allowed in a room like this. I am no longer considered trustworthy and would be violating some rule if I entered. So even this open door is closed to me. I remembered back when Holly first hired me. I and another guy were the first two people with a known mental illness to be hired by the hospital in the entire county. Holly admitted that it was a leap of faith to sit as a passenger in a van being driven by a member of the mental health system. Back then providers had a well defined line of “I provide and you receive”. With the creation of Collage those lines began to blur into something wonderful. I was always grateful to her for taking that leap. Wow. The changes in my life over the last year have been mind boggling.
One thing that I hate about depression is how it floods my thoughts with negative surges. I find the only thing to do is distract myself with something positive. I figure I would look at the schedule and pick a group. I rolled around the corner. People were leaving on an outing. I looked at the schedule and saw that Andrew was having a yoga group. I normally do go to that but I needed something to change my mood.
I cut through the break room to avoid the rush of people and passed the fish tank. More closed doors greeted me on both sides, a part of me wanted to turn right and head for the elevator to go home and if I had transportation I think I would have.
Instead I made a left and was pleasantly amazed that right there was an open door and sitting at a desk right next to the door was Marylou. She looked up from what she was doing and gave me a big smile and asked me how my weekend was. I told her about all the medical stuff I was dealing with and it felt good to get that off my chest. We must have talked for twenty minutes when Holly popped her head in and said Hi.
The conversation quickly turned into a discussion about PROS and some of the changes that were coming up. I really enjoy knowing what is happening so this helped me also by reassuring me that it was evolving. Holly mentioned to me that there was a young man named Howard in the café that she felt would make a good connection for me because he liked talking about technology. One of Holly’s many skills is getting people together with common interests. I told her I would give it a try knowing that it might not be the best time to do this because of my current mood. (it would be a half effort).
As I left the office I was feeling much better but still
feeling the discomfort of my own mood. My thoughts jumped
momentarily to the question was that whole exchange done out
of concern or was it “
a billable Engagement” I could have kicked myself but that’s
hard when you only have one leg. Of course it was a billable
engagement but the concern and advice was a real and caring
as the smile on their faces when they greeted me .
Out in the café I could hear Theresa’s booming laughter and the buzz of conversation. This is the reason I come to PROS. I stared feeling much better as the day came to an end. At dinner time Holly invited me to sit with her and a few others that included Howard, we started talking about some of the new handheld computers that recently came out and I found myself really enjoying the conversation. It reminded me that as I mourn from the loss of Collage and fear the uncertainty of PROS that it is really important to continue to reach out and connect with old and new friends. Recently Holly quoted something she was reading. “You can’t control the wind but you can adjust your sails”. It really is taking on meaning for me.
I was always taught that you don’t have the right to complain if you don’t have possible solutions. PROS is asking a lot from people (not participants PEOPLE). It asks us to give very personal information to complete strangers that are hidden behind those closed office doors. PROS is asking that we commit to something that is still being created. I have receive a document that states patient responsibilities but nothing that tells me what the program promises to do for me. That is a whole lot of trust that hasn’t been earned yet. If clinical staff would open their doors when they are not in private sessions I would feel more welcome. If the security guard would sit in the lunchroom instead of standing there with his arms crossed looming over us, it would not seem like a scene out of “one flew over the cookoo’s nest”. Don’t take peoples vitals in the café or any other public part of the program.
Most importantly see me as a person. Say hello with a smile. I promise you will get one in return. I won’t demand your attention if you are busy or be offended if you say it’s been a crappy day and have a ton of paperwork to do. PROS is an adjustment for both the people who participate in the program and the people who are providing these services so let’s see if we can adjust our sails together..